While there is a broad spectrum between “over eager reply guy” and “hey, here’s my dick”, most of the awkward, uncomfortable, or downright creepy interactions in social media occur due to a lack of obtaining consent in a meaningful way. And yes, this behavior can come from anyone, but given that the vast preponderance of it seems to come from dick owners, this article is aimed at you, proud penis possessors.
Before we begin, let me make something clear: awkward interactions from a misreading of the situation happen, commonly, and are not a judgment of you as a person. Lord knows it’s happened to me more times than I can count. What IS a judgment of you as a person is how you respond to them. Make a clear and sincere apology, and move on. If your ego can’t handle being wrong or rejected, you probably shouldn’t be engaging in online spaces, where both will likely happen frequently. The second you try to argue about it or retaliate, you’re in the wrong.
It’s also important to remember that “consent” in digital communications doesn’t necessarily mean “Is it OK if I comment about how awesome your ass is?” It means letting her lead the level of interaction you have, and paying attention to whether your engagement is clearly appreciated and encouraged. Flirting is very much a nuanced sport, but GOOD flirting pays close attention to the feedback. It also means starting at the least assumptive levels and earning the right to elevate through ongoing assent.
With that in mind, let’s explore a framework for digital consent. For those of you who follow me on social media, I’d love to hear your feedback on ways this could be improved.
On Your Own Timeline
No consent needed, so go nuts! As long as you’re following the terms of service of the platform, and applicable laws, consent is given in the form of following you, and may be withdrawn by unfollowing you. Wannabe “DickPicGuy1969”? This is the place to do so. There are certainly many people who enjoy seeing dicks in all of their glory, and by sequestering your posts to your own space, you are catering to them while respecting the (vast majority of) folks who do not. No one will ever complain about seeing dick pics from the dick pics account that they have followed.
The Posts of Close Personal Friends
Chances are, you have a good understanding of the acceptable behavior in this kind of relationship, so you’re less likely to cross any boundaries here assuming you value the friendship. That being said, you should keep the context of the post in mind. Does the post give bar vibes or work vibes? Are they announcing an accomplishment, or making naughty jokes? The privilege of an intimate or trusted relationship comes with the responsibility of making sure your friend doesn’t look bad in public, so while “Nice tits, babe!” may be perfectly acceptable when you’re hanging out together, it’s likely a bad call on her post about obtaining her doctorate.
If you DO happen to cross a line unintentionally, and get called out on it, consider it a sign of her friendship that she’s communicating that to you instead of simply ending the friendship. It likely means that she values you enough to let you know where you’ve fucked up. Work to repair that gap, and correct your behavior accordingly. Honest mistakes can be forgiven in friendships. Shitty attitudes won’t be.
Also, she doesn’t want your dick pic unless she asks for it.
The Posts of Mutuals
You’ve followed each other and engage in each others’ posts. You trade jokes, and maybe you’re even occasionally flirty. Awesome! This is one of the fun aspects of making friends on social media. But until such time as you actually are close personal friends, you should always keep in mind that you’re still some dude on social media, even if friendly, and you should be keenly aware of the boundaries of your interactions. You should also keep in mind that she’s likely inundated with bad behavior from dudes, which means you need to be extra careful to respect her boundaries if you’re wanting to get to that place where you are better friends.
If she’s making fun flirty jokes and there’s a vibe with you, engage in kind! But don’t assume that you have that privilege just because she’s doing so with someone else. They may be in the “Close Personal Friend” range that you are not, and her consent to them is not blanket consent to you. Consent is handed out individually to every person she engages with based on her comfort and desire level, and should never be patently assumed.
Also, she doesn’t want your dick pic unless she asks for it.
The Posts of Non-Mutual Follows
You have absolutely zero implied consent here, and you should keep that in mind at all times. Unless she is posting bikini pics and asking “How do my tits look in this?”, you shouldn’t be mentioning them. Compliments under selfies are fine, but they should be focused on her, not your arousal in reaction to her.
Good: “Wow, your hair looks great in this pic!”
Bad: “Damn girl you’re making me so hard.”
You may consider it grossly unfair that women online tend to get way more engagement than men online, but that’s simply the reality of human interaction, and in many cases, most of the engagement she’s getting isn’t the welcome kind. Even if she’s posting hot selfies on a regular basis, that isn’t consent to treat her like an object or a sex toy. If she wants that from you, she’ll give you consent to do so. As hard as this may be to believe, she is not specifically posting those pics for your sexual gratification.
She may like the way she looks in the pic. She may be feeling confident and want some reinforcement of that. She may be specifically seeking out some sexual validation in the form of comments affirming her hotness. No matter what the reason, she’s posting for HER, and not for YOU.
Also, she absolutely most definitely does not want your dick pic unless she explicitly asks you for it.
Additional Considerations
Not every social media engagement fits neatly into one of the boxes above, so they are only a starting point. Here are some additional considerations to keep in mind:
Consent is specific and temporary.
A post requesting feedback on her body is not a blanket consent to comment about her body on all posts. A flirty interaction is not blanket consent to escalate to explicit comments. And just because you had a naughty little comment tit for tat one time doesn’t mean you’re welcome to show up under every thread horny posting. “Continuing Consent” is the act of constantly measuring whether or not your behavior is appreciated and encouraged, and withdrawing if it is not. The privilege of sexual interaction at any level can be retracted at any point, so if you’re enjoying that interaction, respect both it, and the person you’re interacting with.
Sex Workers are working.
Because online sex workers are constantly putting out content intended to appeal to the prurient interest, their posts more than others tend to attract sexually charged interactions, by design. But while selling appealing fantasies is part of their job, putting up with an endless stream of explicit comments from non-customers is not, and they are no less deserving of basic respect than anyone else. Sex workers can be supported in a number of ways, including boosting their content, and helping drive engagement, but the best way they can be supported for those who engage with them is with your dollars. Their consent is primarily obtained financially, so if you’re going to be all up in every post horn dogging out, then put your money where your hard-on is.
The market for sexual interaction is not on your side.
This may be a hard pill to swallow, but get a tall glass of water. The demand for titties is endless with a limited supply (and thus the preponderance of women sex workers); the demand for dick pics far less so, with a seemingly infinite supply. No matter how proud of your penis you are, the average woman has probably seen a dozen or so just like it (often against their will), and many of them with better lighting and angles, and a clean room (pick up your dirty socks for god’s sake). Your odds of successful sexual activity have very little to do with the look of your penis, and almost entirely to do with what kind of a person you are. Which leads into our conclusion:
Women get horny too, just not like that.
This may come as a surprise, but women are people, just like you. They like to have sex. They may even like to have sex with you. And believe it or not, they may be into some downright depraved freaky shit that your horny little soul has only ever dreamed of. However, you have better odds of winning the lottery than of attracting a woman to engage in that kind of activity with you if you can’t give them the agency, safety, and respect required for them to trust you, and all of that starts with the foundation of consent.
Some men seem to think that the disconnected and semi-anonymous nature of online interactions means that those rules don’t apply, but that’s explicitly incorrect. If you can’t be trusted to create a safe space for exploration online, then you certainly can’t be trusted to do so in person, where their vulnerability is higher (and where the history of masculine rage and violence is well documented). Instead, you should be thinking of online spaces as practice grounds for good behavior, where you don’t have to physically walk out of the room if you mess up.
Make the framing of consent the center of interactions online. Make it a habit. Pay close attention in all of your digital conversations. Get good at it. Carry those practices into the real world. And who knows? You might even get laid.
Also, she doesn’t want your dick pic unless she asks for it.